A new day, a new task, and new set of chores makes me look forward to it with a lot of hope.But every morning when I switch on to any news channel one thing that really disturbs my soul is the ruckus raised by the people about religion and the never ending dispute over no man's land....no man's for actually no one owns it.We came alone and have to die alone.Nothing goes with us.Birth just gave us the identity of a human.It didnt put a birth mark stating any religion, cast, sect or the so called divisions set by people.
The hindu muslim feud, the racism in the west,the shiya sunni struggle over supremacy which is spreading nothing but wrath, hatred, humiliation and bloodshed of innocent people who dont even believe in all this.We all have been proofs to this annihilation leading to the repeated doom of mankind in one way or the other but after all this also we are just not stopping.
Where is the full stop?Will anyone strongly and selflessly rise against this and eradicate the fear within the people to let them voice against this tyranny of the slaughterers of mankind trouncing the innocents in the name of jehad, in the name of hindutva...the names may change religion to religion but in the end the message of peace preached by all religion is twisted and given its own new definition.
So much debate went on the ground zero mosque construction....Why only a religious angle to it?Can there not be charitable school or a hospital imparting free education or free treatment to the needy and thus promoting humanity.Who would not come forward for a good cause.But we all of us contribute to this sheer wastefulenss by mere cribbing, encouraging the TRP of these television channels, joining the various protest rallys and on the other hand the opposition parties malign and pull decimate it's contenders image and thus distort the truth to its convenience.
We all wait for the Ayodhya verdict tomorrow.Dont really know how many lives this has taken but all that I can say is in the name of religion if a political party claims to work towards a nation's progress then it is exploiting the sentiments of the innocent hoi polloi.The noble deeds do not need any religious backing.Anything for a good cause can be started there and then.
We just need a more brave approach to it.We all have it in us and want to do it.Can we just stop accusing any religion or persons and work collectively towards this one universe, one world, and the very word"Humanity?"
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Our Wedding Affair
Every child is special in its own way.Even I was and would think so for I wanted to live for a cause, love animals around me, interact with old people,strangers, cook, clean, lead, manage the house and participate in major decisions of the house thinking I am big too.That was me... so involved with my parents, with things happening around.....noticing that the maid doesnt clean well and teach her with my small hands how to sweep, challenge my dad at the age of 11 how to run the household while my mom was coping with her series of operations,taking the kitten to school inside the school bag while its mom was away,convincing the vegetable seller that my monopoly dollars are for real and will make him rich if he sells the khatta imli for five dollars,thank Santa Clause for his gifts everyday which would make me study(of course that was my mom),Making holes in my Mohan Uncle's pocket with my innocent smile leading him to buy me whatever I wanted.
Having grown up amidst the love and affection of some very significant people in my lives who held my hands at some point or other and have been there till now like Aruna Mosi, my parents, my sister, friends, cousins,relatives,and people from many walks of life......after having seen me grow,study,graduate, work, get promoted, finally wished I settle down with a nice man.
After years of search after my consent, I got engaged to Sarang on the 8th Nov 2009.It was kind of unbelievable when we all started looking forward to the D day of marriage ie 15th May 2010.
I took a sabbatical from work and after having stayed for eleven years away from parents, joined them back in my home town Jorhat.
Time passed by with the subconscious mind telling me I will be gone.With all of us being over stressed that everything goes well, there would be friction.Amidst certain certain restrictions till marriage which came as a surprise for I was brought up as a very independent kid, it was hard to accept that I was the would be bride, for nothing changed much for me.I was still the same, with my hair oiled would step out and meet old uncles,go gymming in my pair of shorts unaware of people and their statements, raising my mom's heartbeats praying "nazar na lage".
Though being the bride, the entire wedding affair was managed by me,from shopping to booking, from packing to jewellery, with a thought that my parents are old and shouldn't worry much.
I felt like a guest at my own house, with people visiting me and showering me with love and gifts.But I was a strange bride...the excitement in me wasn't about how I would look, or the efforts to make me look the best that day, but the fact that I would be with Sarang, the kind of man I always wanted to be,who is one of his kind in this world...not because he is my husband today, but because he is a lovely human being and a great son of such great parents.
The day arrived when we had to fly down to Dehradoon, where all the functions would take place.9th May.With all the packing done, all the goodbyes, sleeping with a mixed feeling in the house where I was born, I moved around like the special child doing special things every moment, loved by all, I would be gone.The fact that I stayed away from the house for eleven years didnt bring any respite.
The child in me made people laugh n adore me the same way they did 29 years back.The leader in me led my parents, Aruna Mosi with the whole baggage to the Airport releaving their stress of valuables and the fact that we reach safe.Today their child Setu actually took the lead, made them board the plane, got them safe to Dehradoon after all the planning and started attending the guests as and when they arrived right from receiving them from the airport or train stations.
It was my marriage and I found it funny that I was tired, drained out, and all that I had in my mind was all should go well.
Amidst little fights about planning and execution,things were running smoothly.From kids' milk to Fasting fruits of religious ones,every little thing was take care of in the unknown city where we flew down.
With my extended family's support and Sarang by my side, it was a smooth sailing of affairs.
With cousins dancing to the tunes of Hindi mehndi songs, friends flying down from all corners to be with you,each and every relative making it to my wedding made me feel special again like I felt as a child.Often my eyes would meet my mom's and dad's eyes and I would see the mixed feelings in them.
With Sarang's great entry at the Sangeet and the way he impressed all I felt proud that I was going to be his wife.It felt great when people actually meant that he is fabulous.
One after the other with series of rituals and events we finally tied the knot on the 15th May 2010.Cant forget the episode when Sarang stopped between the pheras to tell the pandit ji that he was worried if his dhoti would open up.With Kanyadaan making my parents get tears in his eyes, his subtle humour made the atmosphere light.
It was such an overwhelming moment when you try hard not to cry.My father broke down hugging me and it was so difficult to leave him like that.I heard later from my sister that he felt his leader, best friend was gone and he was lonely.
I was sad, scared, and tired when I stepped into my new house.With new faces, new relations, I was calling the the leader in me, the fearless Setu, the same child who would love the old people, the animals, talk to strangers and the feeling within gave me strength.The biggest strength was the vaules and the faith my parents, and Sarang had placed in me.
It was a new beginning, new identity submerged with the old ones,new set of responsibilities and expectation, siding some things which I was very passionate about or thought of very strongly and I was taking my own sweet time to come to terms with my own self,"Mrs. Setu Sharma".
It has been a month since I have been living in a new country understanding this new phase of my life.But whenever the pall of gloom surrounds me, the face of my husband brings back my smile, the happiness of my parents that I am in good hand among a new bunch of lovely people makes me remember that it is time again I have to make myself feel special and this time it should come from others...my new family my husband and I gear up to a bagful of good deeds, smiles to bring on people' face.I have to go a long way but I know I am not alone now.I have Sarang by my side.
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
The spell is broken
When I was born,like many other humans on this Earth, I was entitled to the privileges of love, affection, care, worldly desires which till some days ago looked liked the be all and end all of anything.The unknown entity called God cast a a magic spell on me and I was so caught up in that so called worldly affair of this life that what mattered to me was me, myself and everything that revolved round me.Well many of us can relate to this same feeling.We have all lived with this very word"me".So much weight age, such never ending pampering of this me goes on till we all are alive.
With every milestone that I achieved the me in me wanted me to achieve more and more and kept following the norms of living defined by the society.With age came education, then performance, then career, so and and so forth till I got married one day and that was the last major goal till I married i.e. to settle down.
A start to my second phase of life with with many new additions, many new adjustments and many new relationships worth cherishing forever I tried accommodating many with just me.
But stop.....wait setu....my heart would thump and all of a sudden it would tell me Me was never there and is never going to be.I will be dead one day and so will everyone in this world...definitely it will pain the most for the people I love going away and above all the fact that I would die and I dont know where I would be.The few minutes before my death can be so heart wrenching.
Despite all the quests, research and experimentation no one knows where we all go.....do we just live till we are alive and then once the mechanism stops, we stop functioning, or do we take another body and another entity or we reach the purgatory.
Humans are great and so have been their ways of securing their fears with countless interpretations.....Amidst all these thoughts I have started to realise there is no me..It in fact is the root cause of all my fears and doubts..There is still a a self questioning and I am trying to find an answer to pacify my doubts.
I will putting in my thoughts when I am able to accept the piercing thoughts and the subtle relief it may give me from this me.
With every milestone that I achieved the me in me wanted me to achieve more and more and kept following the norms of living defined by the society.With age came education, then performance, then career, so and and so forth till I got married one day and that was the last major goal till I married i.e. to settle down.
A start to my second phase of life with with many new additions, many new adjustments and many new relationships worth cherishing forever I tried accommodating many with just me.
But stop.....wait setu....my heart would thump and all of a sudden it would tell me Me was never there and is never going to be.I will be dead one day and so will everyone in this world...definitely it will pain the most for the people I love going away and above all the fact that I would die and I dont know where I would be.The few minutes before my death can be so heart wrenching.
Despite all the quests, research and experimentation no one knows where we all go.....do we just live till we are alive and then once the mechanism stops, we stop functioning, or do we take another body and another entity or we reach the purgatory.
Humans are great and so have been their ways of securing their fears with countless interpretations.....Amidst all these thoughts I have started to realise there is no me..It in fact is the root cause of all my fears and doubts..There is still a a self questioning and I am trying to find an answer to pacify my doubts.
I will putting in my thoughts when I am able to accept the piercing thoughts and the subtle relief it may give me from this me.
Monday, 25 January 2010
Happiness to Survival
I stumbled upon roadblocks and fumbled upon my speech when shocked, and mother necessity forced me to accept life and I had to but not by choice defy death, which my heart desired then.
When I look back, I see I have come a long way from insecured, emotional fool to a matured individual who has in the process of survival learnt to find the deeper meaning of life in sufferings, tears, momentary happiness, life at times bestowed and following Kahlil Gibran's preachings learnt to control the basic instincts which if not mastered by a human, can lead oneself to destruction.
The gravity of control on oneself cannot be attained in a day.It comes with perseverance, bearing the pain which runs down like a shiver every now and then, killing the person within and leading oneself die several death.Easier said than done, life is a great teacher.Never do we learn from others mistake.Advice if sought is easier to be given rather than implementing on oneself.Situational incidents fail advice as no two human can react the same manner though the baseline remains similar often.
Human emotions and reactions are categorised as Anger,Grief, Happiness,Surprise and we understand them by various forms of expression associated to it, which is again linked to the situations we face in our day to day lives.
The twists and turns in my life gave me different meanings and different thought processes at one point point or the other.Melancholy stayed for long and happiness was the most coveted as always like all.But that's called a state of mind in layman's term.Problems and sorrows persist in every individual's life span but question lies in the fact that how can one find ways to smile always in troubled waters too?
Can one find a reason to be happy when loses a dear one as because "Happiness is a state of mind"?or is there a way to obtain it when two loved souls part with heavy understanding hearts, or is it a state of mind which can be there when soldiers die over two nations fight making us feel they are martyrs on no one's land?
Does happiness sublime all of these and many such feelings as a state of mind then?What is happiness?....And I have been quite unsuccessful to find the accurate meaning of this word.It may be a heavily loaded statement amongst multifarious range of books, articles and philosophies based on the same.
Is it a facade we live in or a utopian world's desire which we try to build around us?...A phony state where we all try to follow the sayings and well written books or well discussed debates and try to adopt the state of mind and smile to the world with our so called happy faces.Is it an art of deception or a fight against the cobweb of sorrows?
Pessimism is often associated with Happiness as happiness can never be achieved with a pessimistic bent of mind.I would like to coin survival and control of emotions to happiness in such a scenario, where no set back, trauma or suffering can move a person back as hindrance from living life.But in the process of survival, does the person really stays happy or manages to survive with the optimism gleaming out?
A failed relationship, again a failed relationship, unsuccessful marriage, or a marriage with no issues, or unsuccessful career with no roadblocks can really push a person towards agony, desertion and depression.Are the thoughts on state of mind stronger than the survival instinct which keeps a person going then?
A lost traveller in an Oasis seeks a refuge,
A panic crowd waits for the bomb to diffuse,
Nature Lover make efforts to prevent misuse,
Kids always look for reasons to be amused.
The over worked bulb one day has to fuse,
The incompatible couple one day has to hurl abuse,
Laughter or sorrow at no point we can ever choose,
A sunken heart and a disheartened soul looks only for booze,
Aging beauty to hide her pallid face uses rouge........
Dependency is what is a vicious circle in everything we do.Respite is brought in the momentary solutions to the problems then.Change is the only constant thing in life people say..............
It has been a long break indeed and I wasn't able to come to terms with what I have touched upon as a topic.Today I thought of adding a bit more to what I have started writing.Off lately I have been waking up very gloomy and feel that the survival instinct in me has been fading away.The optimism wears out with every distance between my desire to be with my companion, which I seek as of now as happiness.The ennui seems to have settled in my very bones, thus killing all my strength and the survival instinct with which I have faced the lows so far.I remember the very recent conversation I had on my way to office with two of my colleagues where they linked my achievements and what lies in my fate to my previous birth and my deeds then and quite contrary to my actual belief, I replied that I only know my present self, life and the deeds I have done and when we often say that the purgatory and heaven and hell lies here on Earth, then why associating anything to our past life.I probably need to read more on Past Life Regression Therapy to get a deeper meaning of the argument.
When I look back, I see I have come a long way from insecured, emotional fool to a matured individual who has in the process of survival learnt to find the deeper meaning of life in sufferings, tears, momentary happiness, life at times bestowed and following Kahlil Gibran's preachings learnt to control the basic instincts which if not mastered by a human, can lead oneself to destruction.
The gravity of control on oneself cannot be attained in a day.It comes with perseverance, bearing the pain which runs down like a shiver every now and then, killing the person within and leading oneself die several death.Easier said than done, life is a great teacher.Never do we learn from others mistake.Advice if sought is easier to be given rather than implementing on oneself.Situational incidents fail advice as no two human can react the same manner though the baseline remains similar often.
Human emotions and reactions are categorised as Anger,Grief, Happiness,Surprise and we understand them by various forms of expression associated to it, which is again linked to the situations we face in our day to day lives.
The twists and turns in my life gave me different meanings and different thought processes at one point point or the other.Melancholy stayed for long and happiness was the most coveted as always like all.But that's called a state of mind in layman's term.Problems and sorrows persist in every individual's life span but question lies in the fact that how can one find ways to smile always in troubled waters too?
Can one find a reason to be happy when loses a dear one as because "Happiness is a state of mind"?or is there a way to obtain it when two loved souls part with heavy understanding hearts, or is it a state of mind which can be there when soldiers die over two nations fight making us feel they are martyrs on no one's land?
Does happiness sublime all of these and many such feelings as a state of mind then?What is happiness?....And I have been quite unsuccessful to find the accurate meaning of this word.It may be a heavily loaded statement amongst multifarious range of books, articles and philosophies based on the same.
Is it a facade we live in or a utopian world's desire which we try to build around us?...A phony state where we all try to follow the sayings and well written books or well discussed debates and try to adopt the state of mind and smile to the world with our so called happy faces.Is it an art of deception or a fight against the cobweb of sorrows?
Pessimism is often associated with Happiness as happiness can never be achieved with a pessimistic bent of mind.I would like to coin survival and control of emotions to happiness in such a scenario, where no set back, trauma or suffering can move a person back as hindrance from living life.But in the process of survival, does the person really stays happy or manages to survive with the optimism gleaming out?
A failed relationship, again a failed relationship, unsuccessful marriage, or a marriage with no issues, or unsuccessful career with no roadblocks can really push a person towards agony, desertion and depression.Are the thoughts on state of mind stronger than the survival instinct which keeps a person going then?
A lost traveller in an Oasis seeks a refuge,
A panic crowd waits for the bomb to diffuse,
Nature Lover make efforts to prevent misuse,
Kids always look for reasons to be amused.
The over worked bulb one day has to fuse,
The incompatible couple one day has to hurl abuse,
Laughter or sorrow at no point we can ever choose,
A sunken heart and a disheartened soul looks only for booze,
Aging beauty to hide her pallid face uses rouge........
Dependency is what is a vicious circle in everything we do.Respite is brought in the momentary solutions to the problems then.Change is the only constant thing in life people say..............
It has been a long break indeed and I wasn't able to come to terms with what I have touched upon as a topic.Today I thought of adding a bit more to what I have started writing.Off lately I have been waking up very gloomy and feel that the survival instinct in me has been fading away.The optimism wears out with every distance between my desire to be with my companion, which I seek as of now as happiness.The ennui seems to have settled in my very bones, thus killing all my strength and the survival instinct with which I have faced the lows so far.I remember the very recent conversation I had on my way to office with two of my colleagues where they linked my achievements and what lies in my fate to my previous birth and my deeds then and quite contrary to my actual belief, I replied that I only know my present self, life and the deeds I have done and when we often say that the purgatory and heaven and hell lies here on Earth, then why associating anything to our past life.I probably need to read more on Past Life Regression Therapy to get a deeper meaning of the argument.
Here I am back again questioning my happiness and survival...well well this time it isnt about my desire for companionship but losing my identity and moving to a big, more responsible phase in life.....Yes "My Step to marriage".My fight for survival also helped me find a companion making my wait for that special someone come to an end......a match I thank the almighty for.....a friend for life who tries make every moment of my life worth cherishing,miss him for he is far away in a different geography and it is only the wedding date that can get us together now.With such an ecstatic moment of getting engaged being just two months old I again feel that like any other human I quest for more.With so many sudden changes making me realise with marriage comes new relations,responsibilities,time management(efforts to be in touch with my extended family memebers) I am equally upset about the fact that I took a sabbatical from work in my effort to spend the last few months of my spinsterhood with my parents.....bidding goodbye to my eleven years struggle to start from the scratch, rise to a point where I was independent,strong,had a name of my own,fell in love with the place I stayed NCR.....goods and bads the city gave me, the friends I made a whole list of things which I miss in my idle musings of my own life....Those were the days....which made me become what I am today...sitting here now I realise I have a huge list of living and non living things, incidents and accidents,moments and memories to thank irrespective of the fact that not all of them were good or worth mentioning in my book of life.
I love to stay lost in my deliberate reverie...a phantasm of my life there which was dictated, governed, ruled and most importantly loved by me.....I am trying to come to terms with this relaxed, dull not so mine kind of living purely dependent on my parents for sometime again and then dependent on Sarang my Fiance and my future husband.....Am I happy? or am I surviving?Is it a resurrection? comes the question?I am indeed happy and still surviving but then why is this inner conflict......why sudden mood swing which troubles me....contemplating the same gives me a picture where I realise......oh there calls mom....Need to be back in a while before I lose the spirit of penning own what is flowing in...................
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